Spirituality is dark.
It’s darker than my worst fears of robots taking over the world and killing the human race.
Why?
I get to run away from my worst fears normally. I shut it out of my mind and distract myself with the shiniest thing I can find.
With spiritual practice, I have to stare that f@cker in the face! I have to ask MYSELF, not the fear, why it exists. I can’t run away. On the outside, people look at me sitting in meditation thinking, “Wow! She’s fully blissed out!”
NOPE!
I’m crapping my pants in silence. Sitting there pointing the finger at myself thinking “What the f@ck is wrong with me? Why am I scared of robots taking over the world?” Meanwhile, I’m doing my best to keep out fear-inducing images of huge robots ripping heads off terrified people. Blissed out? Uh… I don’t think so! But, when I do tackle my fears, I feel totally badass.
That’s right. With spirituality, I can’t blame anyone for my fears, shortcomings, sadness, and so on. I have to look at me, and only me, to find the answer. I have to ask myself, “Why did this happen?” “Why do I keep letting it happen?” “How can I change myself?”
Blaming anyone else stops me from being in balance, flow, and at peace to occur. People enter spiritual practice for different reasons. Those are my reasons.
Anyway, it comes back to the whole thing of “You can only change yourself”. I don’t know who said it. I’m pretty sure my mum did. That’s what I believe spirituality is about right now. My concept of spirituality has changed over time and is going to continue to change.
So, why is spiritual practice harsh?
First, no one else will understand exactly what you’re going through. If you are fine with being alone and you’re confident in yourself, this would not be an issue. For me, I love finding ways to relate to people, and when I can’t relate, I feel disconnected. That’s something I’ll need to work on. Anyway, I find it particularly hard to relate to people when I start talking about spirituality. That’s just me. Now, I have figured that no one will ever “get” what I’m going through entirely and that’s okay. I tend not to talk about it with people around me anymore. I’m on my own… “all by myself” as sung by our dearest Celine Dion.
Next, especially as someone who strives for perfection, spiritual practice is harsh because it asks me to look at my own flaws. This practice could be called “Of Course you’re <your issue>. Take a Look at Yourself, You Dumb Sl*t”, which was so wisely spoken by J.Lo’s character Anita in the television show “How I Met Your Mother”. I used to only look at my flaws and want to get rid of it in any way possible by working around it or over it. Now, I am forced to look at myself to change my thoughts and beliefs about the flaws, while accepting myself in my current state. This is not easy, but absolutely possible. This practice has become less harsh after repeated practice.
Also, spiritual practice requires a sh!tload of discipline. I thought I had discipline. Surely, sewing shoulder pads and shirts for eight hours straight in a home garment business as a child was discipline. I was proven wrong. Spiritual practice really stepped up my discipline to a whole new level. If I start feeling crap because something happened to me, I have to step into spiritual practice mode. I cannot let it fester and lead me into a pit of depression, which was my habit. Instead, I pull my socks up and ask “what”, “why”, “how” and then take action to change myself in the situation. This is hard. This is called changing a habit. Ever tried to quit smoking? Or, quit eating your favourite food because of an intolerance? Then you know what I mean. You don’t get a break. Every single moment is a test of your capability to do the “right” thing for yourself, while never knowing when I’m going to feel tempted to do the wrong thing again. Not to mention, right and wrong are subjective based on the situation, but I won’t go into that here.
In my short time being spiritual AF, I have learned that spirituality isn’t all “love and light”, “prayers and blessings”, angels, fairies and all that. “Love and light” is the result that is shared with others after accepting one’s self a bit at a time. It gives others hope and support if they want to receive it. Prayers and blessings are the same. Higher power/ancestors/spirits support me because no other person really understands 100% what I’m going through, even if they say they do. If you entered spiritual practice for all these soft, beautiful, cute things, then I’m sorry. My experience has shown me that’s not what it’s all about. Putting spiritual learnings into practice is uncomfortable. They have taken me out of my comfort zone and into the pits of darkness where I have never dared to enter.
Nevertheless, I keep going. I never know what it will reveal to me about myself.
[Photo by Francesco Ungaro from Pexels]
